On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, “life will never be the same”. Because there has never been anyone like you… ever in the world.
— Nancy Tillman
October 9, 2018 will forever be etched in my mind as one of the worst days of my life. I say one, because there are days that follow that are equally as bad, if not worse. And lets be honest, I am still young, I still have a lot of life to live, which means a lot of hard days to come. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot I am grateful for, and there are a lot of great days wedged in between those bad ones. But for me, October 9th, is one for the books. Before I get started, I just want to say that I know there are many out there who have experienced much worse than the journey I’m about to take you on. Everything we experience in life is all about perspective, you can really only compare the things you are going through with the things you have overcome. No two journeys are ever the same, even if both experiences share a lot of similarities. We all process things differently, we cope differently, and we move forward at different paces. So here we go..
October 9th 2018… I woke up knowing very well that today will be a bad day, because just a week before this day I had found what all parents dread, a mass in my then 5 month old’s abdomen. At first, I will be honest, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, my mind wouldn’t accept that my son had a tumor growing in his tiny little stomach. I made tons of excuses, and second guessed myself a lot because lets be real, it is near impossible to do a thorough abdominal exam on a squirmy baby, who guards their abdomen at the slightest touch. And even if you are skilled enough to do a thorough exam, no ones’ first thought is my child has cancer. I spoke to my sister that day, and she gave me advice that any good sister would give.. I’m sure its nothing, but if you are worried you should go and get him checked out. I will shamelessly admit I still waited a few days. I had Sawyer’s 6 month appointment coming up, so I contemplated.. do I just wait for that appointment or do I go to the hospital? I was afraid to go to the hospital, I didn’t want to be that crazy mom who feels “a mass in her son’s abdomen.” But looking back, my fears were soooo silly. No one should ever fear this, if you are concerned about your child, regardless of what it is you should feel safe enough to take them to the doctor. I of all people should know better. So I muscled up the strength to finally take him…
October 9th, I went to a walk in clinic near my house, I was there at 8 am sharp, soon as they opened the door. Sawyer was their first patient. They saw him immediately and as I explained to them why I was there, I started to cry. I was so scared. I didn’t want to hear what was coming next. The doctor was great, he didn’t once make me feel crazy. He looked me in the eyes, and said I feel what you are feeling. That’s all the reassurance I needed. I was doing the right thing. They booked Sawyer for an emergent ultrasound. We had a two hour window before his appointment, I used that time to regroup…you got this momma.
You’re probably all wondering where is dad. I should mention, my husband was out of town for work, he left the day before all of this. I feel stupid now, but before he left he asked if he should stay. He knew I never worried too much about people’s health unless they were on life support in the ICU (this probably stems from all my years working in ICU), so for him to see me worried concerned him… he knew something was up. But a part of me still wanted to protect him, a part of me wanted to down play what was going on. Looking back, maybe this was really me protecting myself, because if I told him to stay, than I myself would have to accept that something was not right, and I wasn’t ready for that.
We head to Sawyer’s outpatient ultrasound, and I will forever remember the technician’s facial expression as she gently placed the probe on Sawyer’s belly. Her jaw dropped, I looked at her and then looked at the screen.. the mass was bigger than I thought. I immediately started to cry. I hated myself for waiting this long. How stupid was I, a nurse practitioner who finds a mass in her son’s abdomen and waits a week to be seen. I felt ashamed. Having now reflected on all the what ifs and all my regrets, I can only tell myself that I am human. We have all made mistakes, we will all have regrets in life. I cannot put blame on myself, I just need to be thankful I found it and I brought him in.
After she completed her exam, she told me to wait a few minutes as she reviewed the images with the radiologist. Maybe it’s just me, but this can either be good or bad. I usually see it as bad thing, I take it as.. I see something but want to make sure I got it all…regardless of what it means, she came back a few minutes later, and we were free to go. On our drive home, which is literally only 15 minutes, I got a phone call from the physician from the doctors office who tells me the radiologist has contacted him. “There’s a very sizeable mass in Sawyers abdomen, and he recommends we drive straight to the Children’s Emergency Department.” I break down… this cannot be happening.
Thankfully we made it to the Children’s safely, I am not sure how in my frantic state, but must have been someone watching over us that day. I made several phone calls on the way (through Bluetooth of course) many of which were to my husband who I could not reach and a few to my in laws, who I am so blessed to have. After a few back to back calls, my father in law answered the phone, he knew something bad was happening and he immediately drove to my mother in laws work. She left work right away and started her long 7 hour drive to Calgary. I than called a friend, who I had plans with that day, she has a baby who is similar age to Sawyer. She was able to meet me at the hospital thanks to her brother who came to watch her daughter. And lastly, I called my best friend who is like a sister to me. She left her work immediately to meet me at the hospital… I don’t think I ever thanked all the people who dropped everything for me and Sawyer that day. Words alone can never express how grateful I am. I couldn’t have done it without them.
So here we are at the Children’s Hospital for what seems like hours. Sawyer has been poked several times for an IV site and blood work. After finally obtaining IV access, everyone is traumatized and in need of some rest. We see multiple people from general surgery, to oncology. Its been a long day, Sawyer has hardly slept with so many interruptions, and I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m sure the doctors could sense it, if not see it in our eyes. Its been a tough day. Since nothing at this point was urgent, they let us go home. We were to come back tomorrow for a CT scan and a formal sit down with the oncology team to discuss what this mass could be. Tomorrow is another day, to think we thought things couldn’t get worse….
Sawyer’s Cancer Story 